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+grins+
i have got good taste~! =)) people agreed that she's pretty. hee hee hee! =)) or sweet looking!! hahhhaS! i'm SO glad! =)) cant wait for that day to come....... =Pp
Sunday, October 31, 2004
yun told me that we're meeting on wed!!! lao ba!, kelly, cindy, her and me! yay!!! i acnt wait for wednesday to come but on the other hand, i dread wed cos its my PW presentation day~! -_-" sian diao can! boohoo!
nothing much today actually. i spent the whole morning sleeping, the whole afternoon changing templates and night online-ing. there goes one day! cool! -_-"
need a job, desperately. -_-"
she's so pretty! totally mesmerized.............................................................
hee hee hee hee hee. =Pp i wish time can pass quickly, so that i can see her again. sighs.
talking to someone about the 3 that i liked previously. hmm. talking about the past often makes me reminicse the good old times. hahaS. actually there are tiems where i really miss Her presence, sms, laughters, -_-" look. hahaS and all the lil lil things she did for me. mans. so heart-warming to think of it again.... =))
nah nah nah. no feelings rekindling here no worries! hee hee. once i've let it go, i'll really let it go. =)) lalalalala. its good to be able to let go y'know! =))
but that does not apply to UUUUU now. -_-" sighs. i dont ever wanna let go, but sometimes in life, we dont have a choice. wells. i dont wanna talk about u now. i'm hoping that something good will turn out.
oh mans. i cant wait for wed now!! hee hee hee =))
+beams.
+panda bounced off.
poooffff.
g o n e.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:29 PM
stupid blog.
aarrggghhh
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 6:47 PM
really touched. +weeps+
didnt know what was the 28 superstars about until i read it. so it's a blog for the 5 of u. scrolled down and read my name. haha. amal's short blog entry about me but the title shocked me. i didnt know i can still be so affected but i do. i didnt expect myself to feel so much but i really do. i didnt expect myself to end up in tears but i did. was about to cry on friday itself but i convinced myself that it's no big deal until i read the blog.
dont be lost my dear orange cat. dont be because u'll have another 4 angels to accompany u. and of cos, u'll have one lesser person to bully u. i gonna miss u so much. miss the bullying u but yet forcing u to be appreciative of me sessionS. gonna miss the maths lectures, breaks, trgS.
didnt know all these had eventually became part of my daily life that i kind of feel so lost without it. teasing u always comes so naturally that i'm became too good at catching other's indirect jokes. suddenly without all of these, my brain seems to be functioning at its lowest point.
hang in there. both of us. i promise i'll come back to visit as and when i can. i'll take really good care of myself so taht u wont worry, okies?! =)) u takecare too. u have to be strong, k?
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 2:52 AM
ponder ponder ponder.
the CIP at sentosa was a total boredom and it simply suck! grace and i were apparantly got caught for slacking! i managed to sleep for an hour too. LoLs. trust me, i'm not going for any dumb triathelon anymore. its a waste of time.
went to ting's bbq after that and we hinch a ride from mr lim's cab. hiak hiak. wells, i wanted to pay him the money, but he didnt want to accept it k! =Pp i'll try to return the money still. =)) cos i'm a good girl. the BBQ is fun and i did 2 forfeits that were simply throw face! tarnish my reputation completely! +shakes head. but there were hysterical laughters almost the whole night long and i'm truely glad about that. =))
went to watch sharks tale!! its funny!!! =)) go catch it peeps. it's definitely worth ur money and time even though it's a short film. most cartoons are lidat though. =))
by the way, i have to thank MR TEO for waking me up early in the morning and ruin my extra 30mins of precious sleep. my wonderful dream with grand zhou in lala land went pooofff, by a phone call. -_-"
overall, i'm not in a fantastic mood anymore. it was when i was at the BBQ, but now anymore. i'm glad i drank earlier on, because i wanted to and i didn't restrict myself at all. i'm going to drink one of these days. i'll definitely go. i shall join people to go clubbing, so that i can kill time easily. and on the other hand, i can drink as much as i want to. pray that i wont be too tempted to pick that 'stick' up again. i reckon i will if i dont control myself within this week. i foresee devastation creeping its way through.
>>>i must say, we've come a long way. all the ups and downs aint easy to get by but we managed to all in the end. i love u, i truely do. but there's one thing i realized, love is not everything... if u'd realized, i'm not forcing anymore. i'm not pushing anymore. i'm not reasoning anything anymore. i'm taking things as they are and let nature take its course. it definitely hurts, but i wont wanna tear anymore. as i was walking just now, my mind was filled with ^her. perhaps perhaps. it hurts too badly that i wanna turn myself away. i'm selfish, i know. u think i'm taking u for granted? i have nothing more to say anymore. perhaps perhaps perhaps. let's remain the way we are now or we just have to step a step backwards. i told myself this is the last time i'm going to try, but i wont force it. i did all i could, but it does not seem to satisfy u in any ways. i'm not using tired anymore, because i've accepted it as a truth, and a reality to face in future. He was right, perspective changes as u learn to accept certain facts. but i need to add one thing, one must accept and be able to take it COMPLETELY.
remember what jiao lian said yesterday. u wont have a second chance in everything. but when u have it, u must make full use of it. i've used it, and if i failed again, it simply shows that i'm not up to it. i wont force, i dont wanna force. u definitely deserve someone better than i do. i will not say i deserve someone better, cos u are the best i can ever ask for.
when its time to clarify, i will do so. no matter what happens, i will NOT let u see my tears anymore.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 2:09 AM
Saturday, October 30, 2004
happy birthday laogong!
happy birthday to U
happy birthday to U
happy birthday to KELLY~
happy birthday to U!!
happy birthday dearest lao gong!! may the fruit of labour be shown to U in everything u do. =)) takecare alrights!! =))
chill out again sometime laters... =))
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 2:03 AM
i should be happy. =)
went out with kelly, then went to RP and met sam and pei shan. they helped kelly celebrate her birthday and i did take photos down okies! together with the TJ's photos, its all in the colly links on ur right. yep! =))
after that i met jie tong and we went to sneakers trg. there were only us 2 pathetic juniors trg with the seniors. -_-" hahaS! there were also fewer people as the u students are taking their exams now. jie tong and i were playing together during the games and i think we can really communicate well even though we haven been trg together for TWo years!! =)) trg was tiring, as usual and both of us perspired a lot!! hahaS! =Pp will i be able to lose my stomach fats if i continue to train this way? hahaS! i want a FLAT stomach! tsktsk. slacked too much after Os, now my stomach no longer seh liaos. +pouts. ohh yes yes. this i MUST say!
i swear i gonna train and be one of the few defenders in spore who can take u. i know u're good, but u're such a stuck-up-ass. tsktsktsk. i almost caught up with u already. ALMOST! i'll reach u, soon soon soon!! wanna play psychological pressure with me!? i'll reverse it and let u have a taste of ur own medicine! hiak hiak. i'm so mean. the bottom line is, i'll take u one day! =P
jiao liao said something that was left lingering on my mind.
"u must remember that in life, u dont always have a second chance. if u have it now, u must make ful use of it." second chance. make full use? +ponders.
oh by the way, TOO many people commented that i've lsot weight. like what the hell. i'm trying so hard to gain weight and there they are telling me im losing weight. -_-" i reckon it must be due to the irregular meals the other time and the days where i simply had no appetite and went on without food for almost the whole day. sighs. i must continue eating a lot!!! but no VCB, so sad. =(( +sulks.
sighs. i must sleep liaos. so tired and there's CIP early in the morning! -_-"
>>> seriously, i rather not talk to u. then perhaps it can help to ease the tension that had been there all along. not to worry, because i know i'll get over. not now, but i will.
>>> ^ i wish time could stand still at the very moment u're near. sighs.
^PJ* .i.hope.i.can.feel.u.in.my.arms.whenever.i.need.u.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:43 AM
Friday, October 29, 2004
in TJ now. ^_^
im in TJ hub now!! blogging away~ hahaS anyways tthis morning TJ had a speaker about this weblog counselling center which i think is quite cool. u can blog and u can have a buddy system and there's this online counselling center. not that i desperately need counselling, but i just think that the idea is great! =)) thereupon, i'm trying to hint that i might change blog soon. AGAIN!! u might be thinking. yes, and again! =Pp
ohh i took lotsa pics today! with TJ netballers! i didnt take with my classmates, didnt even get the chance to take with qihui. wells. hopefully i'll be able to see them again bahs. =)) yay!! so many pictures to upload again! hahaS! =Pp but i gonna love it all. shall post it in my blog laters too hee hee! =Pp ohh ohh, i took it with my PW lao shi liaos. ahem. hahahaS! =Pp nOnO, not gonna share with u guys(my buds) hahaS! must keep that photo particularly away from dua hai also. hahahaS! =Pp
my PW laoshi and the netballers game me something. i'm so touched.............. +sobs. i need tissue. hahhaaS! alrights. meeting kelly laters. yay, it gonna be real fun!! =))
PW presentation next week. its on the third of november. boohoo!
im so excited about the photos!! he hee
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:14 AM
happy birthday!!
happy birthday to u
happy birthday to u
happy birthday to XW, PY, TING
happy birthday to uuu~~
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:37 AM
Thursday, October 28, 2004
i just dunno how...
i just hang up the phone with someone. we were on the phone for more than a hour, yet the conversation did not go anywhere. we merely discussed about the TV show that we were both watching and i ranted on about my search for job today. the latter was a waste of time and it is not fruitful at all. i could only let out a heavy sigh after putting down the phone. i know u could sense that something is not right, and u're pretty worried. im sorry, im not trying to hide any thing from u, but i just duno how and where to start.
i'm really bored at home. i have nothing to do except chinese, but im not in the mood for any. i cannot even recognise the basic chinese characters anymore, how to do a AO chinese paper?! i want to get a job, but the working hours are too inflexible. i need a job that allows me to go for trg regularly still. hoping to get a school to coach, or students to give tuition. my mind is seriously not functioning well anymore.
this year's holidays is pathetic. the feeling is so different as compared to the past years and everything does not seems to be going right. we used to have trg 3 times a week and the rest of the weeks were spent on going out or resting at home. days were much simpler then and time was easier to kill. and of cos, i always had lots in hand waiting for me to do. this year is just too different. i cannot even find people to go out with. i'm tired of asking, tired of trying.
the old dream of mine has been replaying in my mind. should i execute it now?! perhaps i have lesser things that will hold me back as compared to before. perhaps, it will do me better in the long run. i seriously dunno..... and i dont wish to dwell on it anymore.
i went to ask kelvin if century's haagan daaz will want to hire me since i'm a regular customer. and to my astonishment, he told me that the cafe will be closed from the week after next onwards. i was caught off guard for that news and i could feel my happiness diminishing. im not exagerrating. i need VCB so much! its my source of happiness when i'm down! and to rub it in, the next nearest haagan daaz will be in esplanade?! na bei. i got so perturbed by the news because if is affecting me THAT much! ggrrrrrrr. VCB!!!
vcb vcb vcb vcb vcb vcb vcb vcb vcb vcb vcb vcb!!!
vanilla caramel brownie! sssiiigghhhssss
i'm going to school tomorrow. gonna take a lot pictures with amal, graceS, qihui, class mates etc!!! netballers.. sighs. for a moment, i wish that i dont have to leave school. oh damn, knock that idea out of my head! i'm meeting kelly tomorrow too! i should be glad about it! =))
oh anyways, met mrs j.lee just now. hurr hurr!
i dunno if i want to see u or not. on one hand, i'm quite relieved that i dont have to see u for the next few days,but on the other hand, i long for ur companionship. why are my feelings all jumbled up?! oh mans. i'm not playing scrambble, neither do i wish to play...
i cannot take my present life anymore. i'm sick and tired of the boredom. i'm not enjoying having nothing to do. NOTHING! my life is pathetic now. +shakes head.
i wish i wish i really wish........
^P.J* .life.is.full.of.adventure. there.are.phases.of.ups.and.downs.that.everyone.has.to.go.through.
panda>>>dont.give.up.smiling.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 10:20 PM
d u h z?
been feeling kind of edgy today, and also relieved at the same time. never mind me, i'm being cranky here. im really super bored at home and storybooks can no longer capture my attention for more than half an hour. its amazing how my hobby has changed over the years. i've started to do things that i would never do in the past, and dropped habits from the past. i cant say everything is a good change, vice versa.
went to have my dinner just now, and i merely started stoning after dinner. i was not even in the mood for shopping. reckon my mind is starting to stray from all the boredom but cooping myself back at home. i wish for companion too, yet i could not find any suitable candidate. its either they are busy mugging, or simply away to school. sighs. it strucked me so suddenly that my circus of friends is way too small, or was it because i restricted it?
the principal commented that i looked happier as compared to before. on the surface, i am because a big rock has been lifted away from my shoulder, for the time being. deep inside, i'm not the least bit happy. i'm too good at hiding my emotions now. im beginning to worry, will anyone know the real me as time slowly passes by?
coach vivien called me just now. she expressed her disappointments and regrets and they are all stimulating the guilt in me. wha else can i do except to heave a heavy sigh? i apologized, but till now, im still not sure why am i being apolegetic for. to compensate the guilt i feel? +LoL. she reminded me to keep in touch with her no matter what. i promise, i will.
i am so tired of playing netball. it was trg yesterday that affirmed that im mentally drained. the thought of playing bball can excites me, but just not netball. it was by chance i started netball, and it was by luck i got into nationals. i reckon i need a break. a break from netball for the time being. i'm thinking of going back to my previous sport, volleyball, or to pick up tennis, since i'm rather keen in that sport. i'm also thinking of continue learning guitar or start to learn piano! mans, i always wish that i'm more musically inclined! booo! hahaS, i'll NOT go back to chinese dance though. I'M NOT! hahahaS! will anyone believe if i say i was dancing for 8 years before i stopped completely!? +LoLs! alrights. friday there's sneakers trg. there might be a chance that i will feel rejenevated after trg!? God knows. shall see how it goes...
i've lost the enthusiasm, i've lost the drive. even now, my goals seems bleak. have i made the right choice!?
watched tv for consectively 4 hours but i was not entertained at all. there were many thoughts replaying in my mind but none is pertinent to my present state. sighs. if anyone was to ask if i enjoy what i am doing now, i'd definitely flash a quizzical smile and sigh.
i have ample time for ample stuffs to be done, yet im refusing to do any. can someone please knock some sense into me!? i'm wasting my time, as good as saying wasting a life away. correction, i'm wasting my youth away! i want to have my hair coloured =)) , i want to get tatoos(but not allowed) =(( and i want to go for liposuction! hahaS anyone reading this will think taht im nuts. actually i just want to get the fats off my tummy. =)) hahaS! mans. i want a tatoo, but mummy says its ugly and and just not nice! so unfair. she has it but i cant! bleh! +pouts. i want to travel, i want to get lots of stuffs, but too bad i aint bornt with a silver spoon. =(( i need to work, but the working hours simply sucks! why am i ranting on about how miserable i am?! sighs. i want to start playing pollyanna's game. any takers?! +winks.
my entries will not be very positive neither will they be cheerful. i reckon its going to be a depressing blog for some time, so please do not read if u aint feeling right too.
tomorrow will be a better day.
^P.J* .live.a.life. .feel.the.fear.but.do.it.anyways. .dont.stand.in.someone's.shadow.when.u.can.shine.the.light. .when.u're.feeling.down,find.something.happy.out.of.it. .dont.frown.u.never.know.who.is.falling.in.love.with.ur.smile.
>>> went to look at places of interests in m'sia and indonesia. they are much more affordable for us and can be a good place for us to relax and have fun. i'm just wondering are u still keen?
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 2:06 AM
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
perhaps u're right.
tears come rushing to my eyes when i read the entry. perhaps u're right. we've moved on with our separate lives since sec school and the times that we meet up or talk are so much lesser as compared to somene else. but it was our belief that kept us going, hanging on to this. maybe i could say it caught me off-guard, thus the shock that led to sadness.
whatever it is, i can only say u still mean a lot, the degree of it has never lessen over all these years.
/////\\\\
giong back to school to see the P soon. argh. how nervous i am! cant be bothered anymore. hahaS. anyways, i've looked through NYP's course. =)) another available course for me now~ yay! =))
/////\\\\
never would i expect such feeling again.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:06 PM
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
+sighs+ im scared.
called up NP office myself this morning. i didnt receive any popsitive news though. IF i failed to get into NP mass com, that's it. i'll end up not having any school at all!! damn it, shouldnt have made up my mind to leave TJ so soon! then i will at least have a back up or something! argh. damn it! im dead~ boooooo!!!!~~~~~~~ =((
oh, i shall go be a nurse then. and IM PAID to study! like, what the hell rights? then all singaporeans will NEVER want to be sick because jesline tan gonna be a nurse! well done.
i hate the feeling of anticipation. Yet, i've to live with it for another 6 months. sighs. i hate this shit. if i cannot get into mass com, where will i end up?!?! =((
hungry hungry. gonna meet amal then go back to school for trg. actually, i dun have to go back anymore, but im still going back! dduummbb~! =((
mans. it should be a better day today!
c'mon, cheer up!
poof~ im gone!
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 2:13 PM
im caught in between.
i dunno what got into me that leads me to miss u so darn much.
trying hard to sleep, but couldnt.
i had wanted to go to school tomorrow, but it looks like i wont.
my mind is playing back all ur smiles, ur frowns, ur different expressions, ur voice, anything and everything about u!
can someone please kill me? please knock me on my head so hard that it can bring me to my lala-land.
its the pinning that leads my heart to squeeze a lil, and the sourness that adds it on when u cant be by my side. =((
i have got to see the principal with my mum this wed. just 2 more days. here i am, so nervous because im trying to anticipate what will she say, and there my mum, rubbing it in once n a while. +faints.
brother and sis are finally getting back together. im truely glad for them and im feeling asense of relieved. i've been splitting my pocket money with him and that period of time left me so broke. i've learnt to be thrifty nonetheless. hahaS.
mother suggested that i shall move to her friend's place when school term for poly starts. this is to prevent further contacts or rather, tensions with ... at home. she thought taht it would be a better environment for me to concentrate on my studies rather than spending my energy to keep my composure and maintain my cool at home. i know this would be a better choice, but by moving away would encourage lesser contact time with my buds and reluntancy to go back to ES since the travelling time is so god damn long. sighs. i dunno what to do too.
on one hand, i have to think for my own future now, there's no way i can screw it up again. but on the other, i cant bear to leave my room sweet room, and neither do i want even lesser time with my buds. and most importantly, leaving my young bro's side now, would he forget having a sister? mans. i've never told anyone how much i love my bro, but the fact is, i love him hell lots. whenever i go away, like vacation or camps, i'll definitely miss him. he reminds me of a family that i belong to even though its no longer complete. yes, i've never mention much, neither do i wish to elaborate on. aarrrggghhhhh...... i need peaceful time to think about it.
went to pet shop today and i saw rabbits!!! they are not the normal rabbits that we always see, but they are the mini lubs from holland!!! I LOVE THEM ALL!! there's this esp brown, big and fat one that i really like a lot! oh mans. if only mother would let me keep one at home. +pouts+ my dearest rabbit shall be named hmm.. cant think of any nice names now. hahaS. but it'll definitely be my best confidant (how to spell that dumb word?)
someone commented that i hardly show any emotions. am i that great to hide all my emotions? hahaS. she's seen me in tears 5 times this year. oh mans. i've actually cried so many times, because there are so many other times which she didnt see! boohooo!!! wells. the fact is, i dont want to show the weakest side of me to people who arent close to my heart. in fact, how many times had my buds seen me in tears this year?! i can only remember xw seeing me in tears because We 'broke' up. but there were only one or two drops of tears then! and this year is also the first time that i actually cried in front of my mum.
it is true that im trying all my might to hide my emotions. there are times when im happy and i wish to share it with people, the latter might be in a foul mood and by sharing, im actually causing more pain. i do not have the intentions of mocking, but in this case, i was seen as being so. And there are times when im feeling so low that i fucking wish there's someone to listen to me, but none could be found. in the end, people come telling me im not willing to share and im only keeping thigns to myself. like what the hell? sighs. all these thoughts only shudder me further. shall cast them aside. i reckon a suitable time and venue must be checked before release of any emotions. hahaS.
>>> i hope u've read our blog. im not trying to pin point u. i should have realised that i've neglected in some ways or other over the months. even though u're not saying it, and always reassuring me that that is not the case, through ur words of emotions, it simply showed everything. sighs. thinking back, i cant help, but blame myself for such a thing to happen.
my eye lids are heavy now. and its time to sleep,
good night world.
^P.J* .life.is.full.of.ups.and.downs. .it.is.the.little.thigns.in.life.that.we.forgets.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:36 AM
Monday, October 25, 2004
pictures at xw's place! =))
look into more of ur stunts >>> http://www.imagestation.com/album/?id=2796260093
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:32 PM
dee dubber dubber doo.
just bathed after getting back from xw's place. oh mans, i must say this, her birthday cake is simply delicious! hahaS im such a glutton. hey, but i made teh effort to search for her birthday prezzie and my poor nose has gotta smell all those pungent perfume okies! hahaS, actually its just hers that is produce a pungent smell. oh my tian, im so mean to her again. how could i! it was just her advanced birthday celebration! =Pp
bought a wallet today and i think its super nice and i like it alot, even though its really huge! oh wells. as long as i like it the rest doesnt matter. =)) bought ting's prezzie and kelly's as well. i must say, october is a month where i can go broke! must save damn lots to buy their prezzie! hahaS! =Pp
ate and xw's place then i drank a lil. oh mans. my head is throbbing a llil and i have school the enxt morning but here i am blogging my butt off. +rolls eyes. can somebody please kill me. hahhahaS. i reckon its time to make a trip down to NP. perhaps i should just go on tuesday? anyways, am still looking for a suitable job. i've decided to not go to my dad's place because the working hours are simply tooooooo long! lalala. i shall get a part time job then. this way, i can work and still can afford time for leisure! teenagers must have time for entertainment still! =))
shall play the last game of hexic and go to bed! =Pp oh oh oh by the way, we took many many pics just now and some scandalous ones. hahahaS! conspiracy among us. hiak hiak. shall post the webby once i've uploaded those pics from my digi-cam. =))
wanted to change my template but decided not to. shall do a nice one after my chinese. =))
good nights world.
^P.J* i.miss.u.so.much.that.it.simply.caught.me.off.guard. i.really.hope.i'll.be.able.to.see.u.tomorrow.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:08 AM
Friday, October 22, 2004
B O R E D!!!
talking to someone about panda in zoo. then i was saying why isnt there any pandaS in singapore. suddenly reminds me of ... Her. she used to say she'll bring me all the bamboos and i remember she said she will bring me to the museum so that she can earn lots of money and gain fame. hahaS. there was once where she sms-ed me to tell me the plane crashed or something, thus there isnt any bamboo for me to eat! hahaS. she just wanted to tease me and wish me good nights lahs. hahahaS. sighs, miss those times. i think i haven had a more than 3 sms-es conversation with her already. anyways, saw Her in school today, am quite glad though. =))
went back to TJ to do my PW in the morning and they used my phone to call my pw teacher and i reckon there were 1000 missed calls. hahahaS! anyways, i went home after maths lecture. im very sure i will miss the fun and laughters during maths. even though there were very few people in the LT today, i managed to make amal laugh! =)) i'll continue doing so, as long as im still in TJ. talked to dong laoshi and found out that she's leaving by the end of this year too!! sad case right? her mentality is exactly like meng laoshi then, dont want to carry on teaching PARTLY because chinese is not the main focus in singapore and it simply caused their own standard to deterioate. that's sad to know though. she has the passion to teach, but perhaps envioronment doesnt suit her. tat was also why meng laoshi went back to china to teach. she's being remembered by me!!! =))
after leaving TJ, i went back to ES. i finally had the chance to talk to mdm suzana!!! i missed her so so so much!! yes, she agreed with me that she's actually very stressed up now. actually, since last year end till now. hope she'll recover soon!!! =))
alrights. i told her about my decision and she seems quite supportive too. and i just came to know something! she actually know about my records in ES during sec one days. tsktsk. raelly, the bad things that u've done will forever be stuck to u. sighs. alrights, dun get off track now. hmm, from the conversation with mdm suzana (elmo for short), i further confirmed something. there ARE indeed factors that are holding me back, and the factors are something which im trying to avoid all these days. i know it now, and i understand it now. i will curb this problem.
initially, i got into a JC was because i wanted to study history. in fact, i still wish to study history. however, ir ealised that it is not as simple as i thought it would be! nO, please do not doubt my passion for the subject, but its rather, the other subjects that are bothering me and in the end, i did not manage to get any done. sighs. this lesson is really enriching, but it also hurts a lot. the kind of bitterness that i've to go through, and it really broke my arrogance and too high a confidence. sometimes things can be complex and it'll only be simplified after breaking the chains. And, breaking the chains itself is a painful process as u will have to use all ur strength and might to get it done. yes, this lesson really broke my arrogance. i'll not be as over-confidant as before anymore. elmo also said that she can see a change in me now. as u learn to accept, ur perspective will change eventually, right manager? hahaS! i remember and i really know now. so many thigns to say, but now i cannot remember!! hahaS will add on if i can recall any.
in short, this is really a bitter and hard lesson learnt. +shakes head. it'll make me stronger and tougher. sighs.
mr leong is right, i dun have the right to tell people how to live even if i'd moved on. my intentions might be good, but dont put it in such a way taht it'll be too judgemental. hmm, i just hope that u people will be able to learn something from my expericen this time round. it really hurts, trust me, u wont want to go through it. hopefully, hopefully, none of u will have to go through this ordeal.
^P.J* life.is.full.of.ups.and.downs.but.dun.give.up.when.u're.at.ur.lowest. the.tough.time.will.make.u.a.stronger.person. .live.a.live. =))
^s m i l e! =))
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 7:25 PM
Thursday, October 21, 2004
packing///memories???
packed all my notes and books related to JC away. as i was packing all of it away, clearing my table, my cupboard, and all the notes that were lying around on my floor since promos, i was trying to pack the memories away too?
packing my maths, and it hurts the most. i dun think theres a need to elaborate further? refer back to all the past entries for grace and amal and i think it can be easily understood. next was history, which surprisingly, did not affect me that much. i reckon it is because i've learnt something which i did not in my sec school days. SU does NOT equal to Russia! oh mans.
i think im ready to blog about TJ further now.
when i first stepped into the school, the feeling sucks. i hated the environment, the school building, the school uniform and basically anything that has gotta do with TJ, esp the mushroom crest. hahaS. alrights, as days passed, i got to know my classmates and slowly i bonded with the netballers. my first few months were crammed with trgs and homeworks and then the nationals. followed by was my hospitalization which ended off my school term because it was during the second last week of term already. i think the best memories in TJ started after june hols, which was when big grace, amal and qihui played their respective roles in my life. i became livelier and much more chirpy as compared to before and one of the reasons was because i learnt to move on without ES peeps. oh oh another thing i HAVE to add, when i first got into the school, i kept forgetting to tap my ez-link for attendance and i had to truble my CT to change the record for me! i was always lamenting how dumb it is to tap every morning because all i could think of is my bed! hahahaS
i started hanging out with grace and amal more often and i truely admit that i have lots of fun with them. the times in the lecture theatres are the most memorable because i could really laugh my whole heart out. thanks grace, thanks amal, thanks qihui. =)) next come my classmates. i have to say maomao and xiting are the 2 that really contributed to my laughters. the class as a whole is pretty alright except that the guys are kidna stern and muggish. other than that, they can be funky too. year 2 netballers really added a beautiful chapter in my life too. the passion and drive for netball in them in something i couldnt feel in ES. perhaps i had a too perfect coach thus the taking for granted character in sec sch? but the year 2s revealed the passion that i lost along the way.
this 7 months in TJ, i wont think that i've wasted a year because i've got to know so many more people and i also began to understand the hidden and reserved side of myself. i never knew i can feel so attached to TJ until today, whilst packing the stuffs away. fortunately, i've given my best towards anyone that i've known and i can really leave without regrets. i've learnt to treasure something before i lose it completely. =)) i've learnt from my past mistakes and i did not allow history to repeat itself. bring the memories and move on to another journey of my life.
my tutors? i reckon my buddies are excited to know what comments i gonna give.. +ahem!
let me start off with my CT(civics tutor) miss tan: i didnt have very good relations with her and it seems as though im always giving her trouble. oh wells. i did not mean it okies! she is also my GP tutor. as a CT, i must say, she really showed her concern towards her CG. because i dont really know her that well, hence it'd be kinda unfair if i have further untrue comments. hahaS.
next let's go for my econs tutor, mrs beetsma. all along i know and i truely believe that she's a really good tutor. her experience in teaching has way surpassed the other tutors (i am saying econs) which can be seen through lectures. its just a pity that i really have no interest towards econs and always give her more trouble than lending her a hand. hahaS. im sure that students who are interested in econs will be able to attain their goals under her guidance.
then comes my history tutorS, mr thompson and mr bala. the latter speaks too fast for me to catch and the former speaks kinda slang at times. oh mans, hahahaS. ohh, and i managed to catch slang language with more understanding now alrightS! im so proud of it. hurrhurr. they are both good good tutors. no doubt about that. im sure the history students will do pretty well if they can really follow both their lectures and tutorials.
then comes my maths tutor. this maths tutor, mr lim, is kidna cute. hahaS. let me explain why i said that. firstly, he's young and smart. secondly, his LOW voice raelly caught my attention when he first stepped into the class. let me admit with a lil guilt that laughed at him before alrights. thirdly, he can teach even though he's young! yes! he also cares for his student and he's really helpful. im glad to have such a tutor in TJ! and the fact that he actually approached me and expressed his concerns really touched me. haha, im not exegerating okies!
my chinese tutor, dong laoshi, did not have much lessons with me actually. hahahaS most of the time i ponned chinese and slacked in the library. hmm, she's kinda comical actually. she laughs at her own joke and her laughters can b contagious at times. =)) she resembles meng laoshi to me, in some ways, esp when she used examples to teach. i cannot really give a detailed impression due to the fact that i did not attend most of her lessons. =Pp
last but not least, my PW laoshi, miss tan also. hahaS. can i dun say anything?! i am still looking forward to my ice cream. what if i accidentally say something wrong and my ice cream will go, pooff, gone! =Pp k lahs, the fact that she's so nice, i dun think that will happen. hors? hahaS! let me see... she's......... y o u n g, pretty, amicable, attractive, sensitive, thoughtful, hmm, all the good good thigns lahs. (do i have a bigger share of yummy ice cream?=Pp) k lahs, she's really nice all these while and im truely grateful about that. =)) ohh, and all the mis sent sms-es. its really embarrassing and im thankful that u said u have poor memory. hahaS! in the end i still changed ur display name away, to prevent further embarrassment. alrights, shant talk about her so much. hahaS. =Pp
p/s: buddies, dont hai wo first ah, do not DO NOT tag anything about u-know-who please. hahaS. we shall talk about ahem privately okie. hahahaS. =Pp
oh mans. this is a long blog. let me just continue withs something and i'll end it off already.
miss lim, my big sisty, thanks for sms-ing to ask about promos and stuffs lidat. i reckon my decision shocked u too? hahaS it simply revealed how playful i am still right? hahaS. oh wells. i can only say i started everything too late and i did not get my priorities right at the most significant period of time. dont worry, i'm sure that i wont regret makign this decision. =)) thanks again! hope u're doing well too!!! =))
now, im left with 3 persons to inform. one, my cutie mdm suzana aka elmo!! two, mrs lee? lastly, miss siow. sighs. i guess she'll be quite disappointed esp when she was the one who pushed me along the way. did not know how should i put it to her also. =(( oh wells. shall just sms her and tell her? but it seems rather insincere. mans! what about elmo? she was hoping that i'll make it through too. sadded. i really JuSt realised that i will be disappoint so many. my mother already clearly stated her disapointment. oh wells, my dear brother can continue to gloat at my withdrawal from TJ now. FuCk. +rolls eyes. ggrrrrrrrr....
i live for myself, not others. how can i please others when ic annot even please myself? they can express their views, which might hurt, but at the end of the day, they arent going to be the one taking the pain and turmoil that i have to go through if i happened to make the wrong choice. why care about others opinions? live my life, to the fullest. =)) i must say, there are certainly few individuals who happened to be all from ES except miss siow who i am really concern abt. i can only say, please do not give up hope on me, i'll really do my best in poly next year onwards.
i've blogged for an hour and i think its time to sleep now. i'll go back to school on fri, or next mon onwards. sighs. im afraid to face my tutors and friends. i dont wanna cry in front of anyone. esp when now i know there are people whom ic ant bear to part with. =(( finish my PW and AO chinese, and i'll be starting work soon. =)) going to my dad's company to work before i start school next year. im sure it'll be a good exposure, and and and most importantly, good pay! hahaS! i can slack as much too! hahaS! =Pp
good nights world.
pj.life.starting.to.snow.patiently.waiting.for.the.sun.to.shine.bright.and.clear.again.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 2:03 AM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
my choice.
wells BIG_GRACE!!!. i certainly will miss u after i leave TJ. c'mon, who is the ONE who never fails to gang up with me and go against others, esp amal!? hahahaS! eh, u should be glad that now u can at least focus for 1 minute! soon u'll be able to focus for 2, then 3 then... it goes on! hahaS. and now u are more aware of ur belongings!!! i'm glad for u!! then u wont have to go through the feeling of 'death anniversary' for any of ur lost belongingS anymores. hahaS hmm,u can always ask ur classmates to go to the library to slack with u one mahs. wells, im sure there are one or two who will bio guys one lahs.dun worry. u should only be worried that there isnt any good looking guys in TJ! hahaS come to think of it, there seems to be no guuy that we rated more than 7.5 right? how pathetic! hahaS, maths lectures, u always have amal still. dont worry kays, i'll come visit u when im free alrights! or we can always meet up outside! or u can crash my lessons during ur hols!! =)) there will always be others using brown shitty highlighter one lahs. hey all because of u i stopped using that can! esp when u ALWAYS have to comment that it looks like shit colour! LoLs. ..... so many thigns to say to u too!
hmm, just wondering who gonna laugh soooooo loud with me in school from now onwards. who gonna fight the can can can can can language with me! hahaS who gonna act cute taking pictures?! and who gonna agree with my silly suggestion of taking pictures of the screen during lecture so that we wont have to copy down the solutions! hahaS HOW SILLY were WE!!! wells wells wells and who gonna join me in teasing people and purposely speak so loud to suan someone we dont even know! hahahaS! oh mans, come to think of it, we were silly! =Pp but we had fun right!? =))
small_grace <<< im pleased to know that u do hope taht i would stay in TJ and also glad to know that u respect my choice despite u longing for me to stay!!! hahaS. train hard under miss VVN, im sure she will be able to bring the team to a higher level! =))
/////\\\\
this is my choice and i had already accepted this as a fact. these 2 days i did not want to go to school, because i fear, i fear having something to hold me back. im afraid that i cant bear to leave, and im afraid that i'll be putting someone's interests over mine. nOnO, that shouldnt be the case, and i seriously do not wish to do myself further harm. it is very clear now, and i know what i really want. however, there are possibilities that thigsn that i wanna hold on to will drag me back to the same old situations and i do not wish to let it happen. please people, dont try to dissuade me anymore. im very clear of what i want, and the best way of being a friend is to let me go. =)) this way, we can all keep and remember the happy memories than in the end everyone suffers in mistake of mine. dont forget me when theres any netball outing alrights?! =))
even the best banquet has to come to an end, its only earlier this time round.
lets all move on. =))
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:27 PM
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
p e a c e.
i've not had such a peaceful and sound sleep for a very long time already. burdens, responsibilities, worries ,troubles, whatever... finally they are lifted away from me. not exactly all, but most of them....
peaceful and sound sleep. finally had one. +smiles.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 2:44 PM
i'll just let it be this way.
i've come up with my final decision. leave TJ and head for poly education. hahaS i cant wait for myself attending school in my usual shorts and shirt, together with flip-flops. hahaS. oh mans, how enjoying can it be! =Pp ohh mans. i could hide my emotions so well.
i went on without food for exactly 24 hours, or even more than that because it was until now that i just ate a small portion of rice. the only thing i had was a small cup of macadami nuts hagan daaz and one-third pf my tub of VCB which i bought the other day. i had only ice cream for the day. oh mans. +hits my palm against my forehead. how silly can i be?
i have to leave TJ by hook or by crook now. let me treasure whatever i have now, let me enjoy whatever that i have now. please do not ask me to take repeat into considerations anymore, its not getting me anywhere. and my dear cindy, i've never blamed u for this mess that i've got myself into. moreover, i'm quite grateful that i've spent this 7 months in TJ and get to know so many different people and go through such advanturous life. cindy, i'll never blame anyone for the state im in. its not ur fault, not anyone's and if it is, it has to be mine and no others. Because only i have ultimate control over my own life. dont take the blame upon urself alrights?! if u wanna make it up, go get ur 2 S papers and 4 As at the end of ur A levels alrights? =))
everything happens for a reason.
looking at the courses in NP and TP again. found another course that i am interested in. some media web designing. =)) i dont really have the time to check out the respective courses but i'll definitely do more research on that after im done with my PW and AO chinese paper. if u're to ask if im really okay, the answer is no. i'll never be completely fine until the whole thing is over. wells. there are too many things in life which are beneath our control.
to U: thank you for remembering the ice cream treat yeahs? =)) really made my day and i was kinda surprised that u actually remember and was enthusiastic about that! hahaS! =Pp yes, like the msg, please do not forget me!!!! hahaS. one of the reasons why im quite grateful to be in TJ is because i get to know U! hahahaS! yes, and im serious about not being able to have any ice cream if u gonna forget me after that! +pouts. rights, i was just trying to be impossible actually. =Pp wells, now, we have to wait till my chinese paper is over and ur PW to end. like u said, we can always arrange to have ice cream the next time round!!! i'll be so free to have it anytime, but poor u gotta be stuck with PW u see! hahaS shit, why am i so irritating. hahaS! whatever it is lah, keep in touch! =))
to my dearest dar dar yun, dont worry, everything gonna be fine. i reckon this will bond us in one way or other and we'll all move to a higher level if possible. our first gathering this sunday, after the last gathering which was like million of years ago, ic ant wait for it to come! =))
it seems like we'll continuously be stuck at this junction. im truely disheartened to know that u're not willing to share whatever emotins that u're going through. sighs. today one of my class's PW groups did a presentation on stress and i have to admit that relationship is really the biggest stressor. i'll turn thigns easy now. i'll not want to expect that much anymore.
love is not everything.
i remember reading an email somewhere. i cannot remember the entire email but here's a summary of it....
one day, a girl is walking into the sea, trying to kill herself when the God suddenly appearred in front of her.
God asked the crestfallen and fragile soul, "my dear girl, why are u trying to kill urself at such a young age?"
the girl looked at God with a weary look and with a shudder of the shoulders she answered, "my boyfriend left me for someone else and i really dunno how to live on without him. i still love him and i need him by my side...."
the poor girl burst into tears after completing her sentence and the flow of tears is just like the waves in the sea, never-ending.
God looked at her and smiled at her sympathetically. He reached out his hand and gently patted her head as he continued, "my dear girl, how did u live before u met ur boyfriend then?"
uon hearing the God finished his sentence and the smile which sends comfort to the lil girl's soul, the girl felt enlightened and returned a big smile.
"i understand now. i lived without him before, and i'll continue to live on without him." the girl thanked the God for this enlightenment and ran out of the sea. she wants to continue living and living the best of her life.............
even though it has come to an end, memories are something which u can brng throughout ur whole life. it is something no one can steal away from u. love is something, but not everything. dont expect something from the other half will be better. i'm not treating u like a fool, neither do i want to treat u like one. all these were done unintentionally. im sorry. this gonna be the last time im trying, and if it doesnt work, i wont ask anymore. u do appear heartless, and u're telling me indirectly that u dont care at all. i gonna treat u like a friend from now on, this way, it'll be better for both of us. it is as though im the one who dunno what im doing. sighs. if only ic an tell u, if only u can understand what im gooing through. ok darn, im expecting too much again. shant talk about it anymore. everything has to come within a day.
im SO glad that i have to go through all these when im simply the lowest! like, what the fuck! darn, it will make me a stronger person. i will be.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:33 AM
Sunday, October 17, 2004
losing the will.
i fear losing, i totally fear losing.
losing the will to carry on, totally dependent on u to tell me what to do.
im a coward, i dont deny that.
i love u.
that could be the last time im telling u that.
im so afraid, cos u're the reason why am i living.
this has been dragging for too long.
its time to get it clear.
im already considered fortunate, cos i have our memories to keep with me throughout my whole life.
everything happens for a reason?
wheres the reason?
this is heart-wrenching.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:33 PM
Saturday, October 16, 2004
??? ??? ??? ??? ???
look at the time now and im still awake. have to do PW early in the morning yet here i am, not being able to get into my lala land. my head is spinning like nobody's business and i fucking wish to know the reason as to why am i still awake at this wee hours. i haven stayed up till such later for a million years already.
many things went through my mind during the four hours of turning and tossing on my bed.
firstly, its regarding my verdict with regards to TJ.
secondly, netball.
thirdly, what had happened among our friendshipS.
last but not least, me and her.
first and second, i dont think i need to elaborate further. +shrugs.
our friendship. i dunno if we can manage to bring the friendship to a higher level, and neither do i know if that few individuals are willing to do so. it takes 2 hands to clap, and in our case, it takes all to get the ball rolling. i complaint so much earlier on that i realized i've been bottling too much for too long a time. i always thought comprising helps and accomodation will maintain a harmonious tie, but i was wrong. im simply being too idealistic. i do not seem to be as practical as i thought myself to be. +shrugs.
US. as im typing u and s, that makes up US, a heavy sigh and a overwhelming sense of doubt followed by. i seriously do not know how to let certain issues be known to u and i dunno how to carry on this relationship with complete trust and faith. perhaps, more of the latter and not so much for the former. is there a balance between being a polyyanna and a cassandra? if there is, what shall it be named after? me? haS! well anyways, i can only roll my eyes while trying to complete what i have to say. i have to admit that i am relief to have u by my side once more, but i simply canot accept that we have to go through such torture time and again. subsequently, the encounters will only give room for the feelings to fade off, but not stronger.
isit because u really dun know me well, or am i demanding too much from u too? sighs. i am really at a loss for words now. when something bad starts to hit on me, everything around me will follow by hay-wired. i'm not not trying to create a hullabaloo out of such ridiculous matter, but at least taht's what im facing now! somebody out there, please kick me out of such negativesm and show me the way to positivity. oh mans. why am i being such a pessimist here and shut myself away from all the joy that i should be enjoying at my age of 17! darn. i shouldnt be doing this to myself! oh, i got off-track, again. darn. as i was saying, i dunno if u really understand me, or am i expecting too much from u. i thought u'll know what im going through now, but in the end disappointment was what i got.
im just not who i appear to be. why am i seen as such complicated person when im actually so simple inside? =P someone commented that she thought im actually very sensible until she knows me longer. in fact, her opinion towards me changed drastically. from a sensible to childish character. sighs. who actually knows me besides myself? i can see myself, slowly drifting away from people, shutting my real self in fear of rejection, in fear of getting hurt all over again. a new term taht i learnt yesterday, protectionism. is this, a way of 'protecting' myself too?
my head is spinning. my mind is thrown into a twirl. i need sleep. please let me get into lala land. i'll simply collaspe tomorrow.
.yawns.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 4:22 AM
Thursday, October 14, 2004
+pouts+
i want VCB.
VCB = vanilla caramel brownie.
having a pretty bad craving for ice cream. it could be too bothered these days thats why im beginning to crave for some joy and happiness. to be eating my VCB is a kind of bliss. hahaS.
i believe everything happens for a reason.
we've simply lost touch for too long. sighs. not entirely urS fault, but perhaps mine too. since yun's birthday, i haven really asked for a gathering? or did i? perhaps im demanding too much, or am i expecting too much? even though we hardly catch up, but U(da lao gong) still remembered the candies that i've been searching high and low. during one of the IVP matches u bought it for me too isnt it? sighs. we move on. cos we have to. it is a process in life.
dearest kelly, i love u very much! dont worry. u'll forever be my dearest lao gong! =)) this incident really revealed how vulnerable friendships can be at certain times.
haha.
gawd, i never knew i missed u so much until today! hahaS. i cannot imagine myself tearing typing this. hahahaS terrible panda. eh, this sounds so familiar....... oh, mrs lee said that to me before! ahahaS and u!
anyways, take goood care too. =))
we'll catch up, real soon.
p/s: whenever i feel like eating hagan daaz. , or when i see it, u'll pop into my mind. so please do not worry, there's never a day i have forgotten about u. hahaS
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 4:05 PM
no good news.
its very sad to see that good friends separating because of unnecessary misunderstandings. reluctancy to let go of certain thigns will only court ur own doom. even the best banquet has to come to an end, so why did u refuse to let go of certain things? in life, we just have to move on to another part of the journey and carry on wit life. that doesnt mean u're giving up ur old batch of friends, neither are u forsaking them for new. all of us feel very attached to the school, but we are NO longer studying there and we already have our resective school to go to. its very disheartening to see that u aint moving on and yet pushing blame to the place where we have the best memories. if u'd realised, gradually ur group of friends has changed, its no longer the usual US that u need. u DONT need Us at all, u only need certain people. u know who i am referring to. the news come at a time where im the lowest, and the impact is definitely negative than positive. but i have to say, im truely grateful that i did spend some time with the TJ people whom i was closest with.
at this rate u're going, u wont be able to go far in life. u sacrifice the unnecessaries and forsake what u should not. darn, u haven learnt. so much for that night's conversation. i thought i should be glad for u, but i judged too early. this group of us will separate and go different ways soon. soon. i wont be surprised if that day comes. anyways, who bothers?! each individual just too busy entertaining other people. i've said once, and im going to say it again, I CANNOT be always the one taking the initiatives. each of u has a part to play. since no one bothers, i shant care anymore. i shouldnt have over relied on this group whom i call buddies if i had known right from the start there is no commitment from each individuals.
why did i bother to stick to this belief that we're as a whole? i was so so so wrong.
disheartening, but this is life.
nonetheless, i wish all of u the best.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:58 AM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
c r i e d a g a i n.
went to meet u and u bought something to cheer me up. thanks darling. =))
i practically -c r i e d- all over again.
i've been crying the entire day. im so tired. didnt take my medication and it seems like the sickness is coming back. better take good care of myself now.
u asked if i will want to undo anything if given a chance. i pondered over the question and paused for quite some time before i actually answer. my answer was no, and it will still be no. like i said, if i didnt get into TJ, i wont meet this batch of friends and i wont meet the teachers also. mrs lum has taken great care of me throughout the few months in TJ, and miss tan :-) , has been very kind too.. and mr lim, funky with his LOW voice. hahahS~ anyways, i dun wanna go on and on. and my friends! they are coool! i wont regret going into TJ. it is a place where i discovered myself even more too. =)) im glad God allowed me to learn even more. people might see that im wasting an extra year, but it doesnt matter, as long as at the end of the day, i can reach my destination. right?! i'll be more optimistic now. =))
cried the whole day. God, when is the last time i cried for such a long time!? have to go already. tsktsktsk.
the reasons that are keeping me alive and going now are my dreams and goals, and U and neo. without these, i'd have collasped long ago. for the both of u, for my dreams and goals, i'll push on. i will. i have nothing to lose now, since im prepared for the worst. jia you bahs!
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 10:32 PM
forcing a weak smile.
went back to ES, talked to mr teo for awhile, but actually nothing much too. there's nothing i can do anyways.. in the end he left for the sec 2s cos they were supposed to have a talk by him. sighs. went into pe dept and stayed there the longest without any tinge of disturbance. mr leong talked to me. he asked me a few IFs questions.
nO, i've never regret stepping into TJ, because i met amal, big and small grace, qihui, maomao..... and the year 2 netballers. they brought so much fun and laughters into my life, this is a fact that i cannot deny, and neither can they be just erased from my memories. IF cindy was to be in with me, could things had been different? perhaps so. IF i were not late for first 3 months, could things have been different? Perhaps so.
one thing that was haunting me way back earlier this year was the days we spent in PE dept. i couldnt move on simply because i was too attached to the school. in fact, it was not only me. just like what u've said, the other students are different from me because they dont feel that attached to the school, and neither do they have a teacher who created such a big impact on me throughout the 4 years. i hate to admit this, but the presence of mr teo really make a very big difference in school. as i gradually learnt to move on, illness strucked me and again i lost my will to fight on. the feeling is terrible.
as days passes by, east spring will gradually become a memory. i've realized it too, cos im beginning to lose touch of whats going on. sighs. in the end, i failed to keep any. what is this?!
took a look at all the polyS in singapore and practically scrutinised all the available courses. my first choice would be NP and TP follow up next. im preparing for the worst, and finding alternatives now. i dunno if i'll be happy with my decision, as the mystery will unfold itself.
my best friend neo, i seriously do not wish to see u landing up like me, haning in the middle, and do not even know where will my next step be leading me to. this kind of apprehensiveness is torturous. u wont want that too. sighs.
just when u needed someone to be there and there is no one there, loneliness crept in and either it makes u stronger or weaker.
since i've tasted the same feeling long ago, i should be stronger.
all i ask for is a second chance now. i will not beg, i will not plea. if its meant to be mine, its mine. everything happens for a reason, just that i've yet to see it surfacing.
im tired. all i need is a day off everything.
too bad, its a weekday. sighs. i could have gone drinking instead. sighs.
i've come to realise how much i need u. all i yearn for was/is a hug from u and reassure me that everythings gonna be alright. i know whatever decision i make i'll have fullest support from my best friend. she's my pillar of strength and so are u. for the both of u, i'll hang in there for another month or so.
AO chinese coming up next. target? 3. i must make it through this time round, this could be my very last chinese paper that i'll be taking for an exam. i must pull up my socks high now.
and guess what, i fucking ignored my PW because [[N O N E]] of them bothered to reply and of my sms and im not going to fucking bother about that anymore.
mug for my econs and history.
.........................all the best to myself...................................
and to leave TJ, with the memories my dear friend presented within this year, i'd say, its the best gift ever. =))
big grace! i'll miss laughing and bio-ing guys at wherever with u. hahaS. ill miss the teasing-amal-together sessions, and i'll miss all our er zuo juS. haha. and of cos, our slacking sessions in the library and ur can-never-focus-for-more-than-10secs times. LoLs. then is amal!! this orange cat of mine ah.. dunno what to say ah! she's been a great buddy lahs, and studied with me before the promos and there was a week of 7! days where we meet everyday to study!! impressive?! hahaS and after we study for some time, we'll give each other a desperate look cos we're overloaded with informations! well well well. and of cos qihui!! my class partner!!! she also goes to the library with me and i like to talk to her, cos she's cheerful and easy-going! but the sleepy gluton head must try to mug harder too!! hahaS. lalalala and my dearest year2 netballers. i'll definitely remember all our trg sessions with such a close bond which i have yet to find it in the new year ones. however, graceS,amal and me can get along quite well! =))
look, i've good memories in TJ too! =)) i'll leave without regrets. about teachers, another day. i've yet think of anything to write about them. as for Her.......... another day also bahs. i think i'll write mostly on her too... LoLs.
i better go have my dinner and take my medication.
else fever will come back again.
sighs.
prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
i gained something taht otehrs cant take away! memories.
=))
look on the bright side of life.
focus on the present. i still have another month to show my dearest friends hw much i appreciate them stepping into my life.
appreciative, something i've learnt along the way. =))
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 6:47 PM
deleted.
deleted the blog tearsofpanda.
realised i dont need that blog at all and i haven been touching it for such a long time already. deleted my webby, cos i dont want it anymore.
left with: this blog, neo's and mine blog, the blog for Her* and dustbin's blog.
life is full of ups and downs.
i have to believe that no matter what.
too idealism. it wont work. sometimes things are just beyond our control.
decided to do away with the password thing because i have nothing to hide. i wanted to hide my emotions my fears my feelings. in the end, i ended up with nothing and i lost myself bits by bits along the way.
the jesline i once knew is never afraid to show her true emotions.
time can really change a person.
going back to East Spring to meet mr teo soon. mrs lum also mentioned that i should get someone who knows me well to talk to. i was pondering who to talk to until she hinted that i should go back to east spring. i was not ready to talk to anyone in TJ in fact. hahaS. im going back to my pig sty. =))
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 10:25 AM
b r o ke down.
went to school in the morning, asked for permission to come back earlier. went to see mrs beestma and mr bala to explain my absence and also mrs lum. mrs lum then brought me to the principal, mrs lim, and she stated her stand very clearly. she mentioned 3 choices, 1)leave TJ, 2)repeat year one. 3)promoted to year 2. the latter 2 were a willing tone and the first was what she emphasized on. based on tutor's comments and past tests results will only work against me and not for. frankly speaking, repeating year one is not not exactly a suitable choice because i'll have to go through more than anyone can expect.
i have to take my papers on mon and tue for econs and history respectively. although it wont be counted in my promos but it'll be a good gage to my respective tutors as to whether i can pass my promo. i seriously do not have any idea if i can pass my econs paper, but i know i have to do well for history at all cost.
people learn through the hard way and often its only after they lost or on the verge of losing that they initially possessed. i cried. the venue that i cried is unique this time round. i walked out of school, and i tasted tears on my lips. i hopped onto the bus, grabbed a seat and tears continued to simmer down my cheeks. along with the tears followed a sense of helplessness that is overwhelming in me. the situation is definitely beyond my control now. this is a heavy price that i have to pay, for any choices that i made, whether a not with any obstacles ahead. i was in tears throughout the journey back home and it was an hour long. God, when was the last time that i really released all my emotions for such a long time?
on the way back, my mind went through pretty much thoughts. i screwed up my year of 2004 and now im left with millions of shedded pieces here and there. why did i choose to put on a brave front when i knew i needed help? why did i let the stubborn nature in me to take control? why did i choose to avoid seeing all these that were already coming?procastination did nothing but led to doom. so much for learning the process of growing up. so much for understanding what life is supposed to mean. so much for being a 17.
words can never be able to explain the remorse that is building up inside me. he said its never too late, perspective changes as one live on. i have to move on no matter what happens next.
^P.J* whati need and what i want now is to have a second chance.
can someone please tell me that this could be a blessing in disguise?
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 9:27 AM
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
damn crossed
wa laoe eh, PW presentation cannot postpone to next week lors. imagine i stayed up for god damn long and could get nothing done! stayed up to wait fr report and in the end my friend doesnt have it anymore cos his com broke down. i like super pissed lors. its like not as if im feeling damn fit and healthy to stay up esp when the medicine drowsiness effect is acting up~ like what the fuck can.
and its like fucking pissed cos my group has got nothing done as everyone started to mug for promos and now, we have to do everything by one day and like not v helpful can! what the fuck lahs........... i hate PW!! i hate anything anyonoe taht has got to do with PW! like since i donot intend to stay in JC liao, why should i bother about the fucking PW!
I COULD HAVE JOLLY WELL GONE TO BED AND IGNORE EVERYTHING!
i dun have to stay up and let the drug effect kill me!
fuckng pissed pissed pissed.
god damn the pw~
-=+Ed^Di=- [cheer up everyone] for *U i will go extra miles *28/6, 12/10* says:
at home seldom hear u say do pw de mah
^P.J* ~ i hate PW! says:
its always then must do OPW lah!
^P.J* ~ i hate PW! says:
like i want lidat lah
^P.J* ~ i hate ^U! says:
ta ma de
^P.J* ~ i hate PW! says:
maybe u shld say can hardly hear me doing anything to do with sch work at home!
-=+Ed^Di=- [cheer up everyone] for *U i will go extra miles *28/6, 12/10* says:
haha quite true.. cool down larx.. angry also must do
sssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee like what the fuck! im doing PW at home!
na bei.
damn pissed.
i wanna sleep liao lahs. cant be bothered anymore. what the hell. last minute tomorrow lahs.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:53 PM
Monday, October 11, 2004
so b s.
fever came back and it me hard this time round. went to the doc. got mc for tomorrow, not sure if i'l be able to take the paper tomorrow. feeling so sick. sobs. having fever and my period cam at this time. alrights, what the fuck is this. its making me turning upseide down. doc said it might be another infectin that will go up to the kidney also. i hope that this would not be too serious yet. i have to take my history paper tomorrow lor. shit. maybe i should go and sleep earlier. yawns.
headache.
backache.
stomachache.
iloveuiloveuiloveuiloveu.
what wil my days become without u?
better inform neo about my situation too. else she'll be over worried. yawns.
head over body. do not admit defeat.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 10:13 PM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
fever finally subsided.
gotta mug hard now, wholeyear topics within one night? will i be able to finish it?
short blogging session now.
fever finally subsided taht means i can study better now. please allow nothing to happen, my earnest plea. i'll go back to the hospital right after the history paper on tue, alrights? hang in there kidneys. p l e a s e. i beg u, u two have got to stay strong now.
i truely know how much i want to stay in TJ now. =(( yes, i've realized it. but its time to let go. cos the possibility is simply too low. sighs. i have to leave by the end of this year.
iloveuiloveuiloveuiloveuiloveuiloveuiloveuiloveuiloveu
sodarnmuch. =))
i'll never let u go anymore.
gimme some more time, let me clear all these obstacles ahead of me first.
cant wait to see u.
cant wait for sneakers trg. cant wait for internship, cant wait for hols. =))
first, finish tue, go to hospital for a thorough check-up, then go see P for my decision. =))
jia you ba.
have been lost for quite some time already. its time to choose a path. =))
u'll struggle in the beginning, not knowing whether is it a good choice or wrong choice. there is no right or wrong, experience what life brings ahead. it is the best teacher around. live it.
i cried today. finally. been holding back my tears like shit and i released all my pain in all. felt so shiok. it really takes courage and strength to allow ur inner most emotions to run. hahaS.
face the music tom~
be strong.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 10:59 PM
s i g h s.
im feeling so helpless now.
80%, the kidney infection is back.
i have no idea why, and i have no idea why has it got to be now.
i give up. i dont wanna hang in there anymore.
helplessness is overwhelming.
and im seriously, tired.
i've kept myself going for such a long time.
i tot i was strong enough to go through it, but now i know i am not.
yes, im only 17. not 70.
please allow me to live like a 17.
let the responsibilities and duty be carried away for the time being
i need
peace.
i really understand the meaning of beyond control now.
ha! im so glad.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:45 PM
words of wisdom
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
limitations are always set by ourselves...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
the society create a norm...but it is what you are expecting that matters...
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
but wont u be tempted by the norms?
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
as in, there will always be a kind of pride in u taht u will want to go for isnt it?
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
yes...you always want to prove that you are better or you can survive in the system that is accepted and acknowledged by the society...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
but, is this recognition very important to u?
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
it is about finding your calling and doing things that make you happy...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
life is damn too short to do things that you are not happy about....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
there is no first line...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
it is always a struggle...until you realise your calling...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
you will never be happy with everything....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
but as long as you are happy most of the time, you are already very fortunate....
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
hmmm.
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
why isit taht i still dont know and cannot find what i want?
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
keep walking everywhere with a knock here and there
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
becos things that are given to you...you dont treasure...this is the way life teaches us how to treasure certain things....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
that is treasuring what you have now....
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
hmm
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
will it ever be too late?
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
no...it will never be too late....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
those times that you think you have wasted...they are actually time spend in learning that lesson....
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
what if u've lost the things then u learn how to treasure it?
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
once you realise it and learn it...perspectives changes and you are alive again...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
well, the lesson will be then not to make the same mistake again....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
life is a series of choices ....you can choose to ponder what you should have done in the past...or you can learn from it and move on....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
it is hard to accept...becos by making choices, you are taking responsibility and telling yourself that whatever happen after that is your choice....not circumtances anymore...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
and making choices also imply that you have to scarifice...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
jesline, you are asking how to live a life now...do you know that?
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
why am i so lost then?
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
becos you are only 17 and you expect yourself to be 70...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
certain wisdom comes with age and experience....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
e patience with yourself....give yourself a chance to live like a 17
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
no matter what subject that you are studying now or in the past, is there a situation where after a clear explaination by a teacher or friend then you understand that topic or subject very well?
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
yes
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
but, b4 the explanation, how do you feel?
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
blur... what the hell is gg on
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
why are you blur? becos you are not clear and you try to guess?
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
not clear, dont get it, too vague...
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
assume.. perhaps so.
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
well now i can answer your qn of "why am i so lost then?"
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
it is becos you are still searching for an answer....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
many times, when we want to know somethings, we are always lost and blur and will try to assume etc to hopefully solve it ourselves...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
sometimes we can do it, sometimes we cant....but we are always very lost just before we get the answer....right?
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
yes
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
so you are lost becos you care and you want to clarify...but life is not something that you can learn through talking to me or mr leong or mr chew....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
life is for you live it and learn from it ....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
not from others...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
life will teach you and clear your doubts...just go in and be prepare to learn...with ears open, eyes open and an open mind...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
you are 17 now....
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
in life, that is only a P4 maybe?
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
when a P4 student try a O level, of course she will be lost...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
LIVE IT and EXPERIENCE IT!!!!
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
live it.
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
+nods.
^P.J* ~ s m i l e s^ says:
live it.
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
yes, live it...you will only be 17 once...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
whatever happens to you now, might not happen again...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
i think so too...sometimes life will show you the way...
Fear itself will manifest and create the exact situation which you feared... says:
trust it...it is the best teacher around...
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:28 PM
Saturday, October 09, 2004
do i/u/we have to?
i asked him, "isit true that sometimes we have to live up to society's expectation and forsake what u know as, happiness?"
he said, " u dun need the society to determine ur happiness.. but u are still bounded by the society's norm.. learn the rules and norm of the society so that u know hw to stretch it.. there is no right or wrong... and it is very hard for me to comment when i dont even know what u are talking about!"
i rephrased the question and posted to another him.
^P.J* ~ he said abide society's rules & norm. says:
isit true that sometimes, in order to live up to the society's expectation, we have to learn to forsake what we think, happiness?
^P.J* ~ he said abide society's rules & norm. says:
hapinnes in the sense of joy?
Dilemma says:
tat depends on 2 things
Dilemma says:
ur level of power in society
Dilemma says:
and ur priority with regard to society expectations or ur own happiness
^P.J* ~ he said abide society's rules & norm. says:
hmm.
^P.J* ~ he said abide society's rules & norm. says:
so in the end, which will majority choose?
Dilemma says:
in singapore, the majority is powerless
Dilemma says:
so a lot depends on the prioriity of the person
^P.J* ~ he said abide society's rules & norm. says:
hmm okies
i was asked again, what exactly do i want. poly or jc? yes, im in a fixed, not knowing what to do. there are so many thigns to consider, and i dunno what i want. my head is clear, my heart is not.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 10:18 PM
cries.
my tummy hurts.
c r i e s.
so pain..
w h i n e s.
so so pain..
m o a n s.
so so so pain..
s o b s.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:52 PM
Friday, October 08, 2004
h a p p e n e d, again~
cowardy act that i've repeated again. not guilty, but ashame of myself.
so much for learning not to avoid, but face the problem.
im such a whimp.
why cant i just muster up taht courage and go for it?
yes, once again i've let myself down.
completely down.
i thought i wont back off last minute, but i did.
perhaps the path is clearer now, i have to come up with a solution soon, right after my history paper.
be prepared to face the consequences.
something i cannot run away from.
the last thing i'll ever want to happn, is myself breaking down.
i really have to thank pat for sms-ing me mans. really. thanks for reminding me how much resentment i've been surpressing till now. i've yet to take back what i want. dont worry, i'll be back in action soon. ur plans failed on me, because im naturally blessed to avoid this omen. dont step over the line, i will be nasty.
stop provoking me.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:32 AM
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
s c r e w e d
name : jesline
age: 17
D.O.B : 09 06 87
HP number : 90615556
school : Temasek JC 3104
hobbies: all time favourite, ZZZzzzZZZZ. netball, online-ing, listening to songs, reading(it depends on what i read)
favourites
food: rice. my mother and manager calls me fan tong! +pouts.
desert: VANILLA CARAMEL BROWNIE.
drink: water, barley (my lao gong(kelly) can cook very nice barley!!!)
brand: adidas and nike lors.
music: listing from young to now... young-dan ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui, ni zhen me she de wo nan guo. older-yong qi, li kai wo, ni dui wo de hao. now-jie kuo, take me to ur heart, gui ji.
book: tuesdays with morrie
friends and people
best: PoKkY PiGGy nEo HuI ChInG
close: xw, kelly, yunru, cindy, sihua, ting
good: --- many.
look up to: Mr Teo, Mr Leong, Jean(IDOL!!!)
idols: JEAN NG JOO LIN!!! since sec 2 okies! =Pp
life
happiness: 25 jan 2004, the day i realise the existance of my best friend.
2003 news of getting into U17s.
lots and lots and lots of Vanilla Caramel Brownie. =))
sadness: 2002-september. when i knew its the end of story.
the day where i lost of best friend due to misscommunication.
graduating from ESSS
disappointment: 2004 colours award. 2003 zonal against SAC. release of Os results.
regrets: not studying hard for Os.
not doing enough for ESnetball team.
lesson learnt: focus on the present, learn from the past.
treasure whatever u have now.
when u're at something, give ur best, prevent any regrets later.
u reap what u sown.
now
feeling: confused. screwed and apprehensive.
wish: pass promos.
goals: short term - pass promos.
middle term - get into 19s and play for ASEANS next year.
long term - be an outstanding netball player and to surpass jean. complete my NYAA.
missing: netball, my holidays, time out with buddies, carefree life and, her^.
amazing
day: june hols'03 - went without food for a day.
august'04 - went without food a day and played a netball game against NP under the scorching sun and i did pretty well =))
25th jan 2004
the day i actually apologised to my mum for flaring up the day before.
recounts: how tamed my temper is now. =D right people???!!!
how much i've learnt over the past few months and years.
the ability to use head over heart.
netball
most embarassing moment: sneakers trg - banged into that tall skinny boney jeannie heng and I FLEW! dropped on my butt and attracted everyone's attention including jiao lian's. -__-
during one of our carnival's at KNC, it was pouring when kelly and i was running across court one and i SLIPPED and fell on my butt. goodness, COURT ONE!!!!!! could u imagine millions pairs of eyes staring at me?! and i could only laugh at my stupidity.
glorious moment: every single match won with my team. =)) ESnetball rocks!
2003's colours award ceremony.
BIG FAT YONG has to announce MY BIG NAME in front of the WHOLE school and to present me with the colours award. could u imagine the smirk on my face then?! hahaS!
disappointing moment: 03 zonal against SAC. i'll never forget that match.
04 nationals TJ against MI. total humiliation. +shakes head.
participation: zonal, carnivals.... national youth 17s.
fav player: JEAN NG!! Miss Tan SuHui (too chio), Miss Sng, LinLi, Pearline.
----------------------------------
end of that stupid thing.
screwed up my maths papers. sighs.
dont even know if i can pass.
fail promos, where do i go then?
s i a n
d i ao.
dont give up now? but i cant get down to studying. sighs.
how long more will u be back?
does long distance works?
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 5:08 PM
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
it doesnt pay to be kind.
sometimes u have no ill-intentions, but people mistook for another. there are times where u simply want to help, but others dont appreciate it. there are times when u dont wish to see people in the state of devastation and u try all means to talk sense, but if they dont listen, what can u do?
im slowly beginning to realise what does it mean by "it doesnt pay to be kind".
when u see ur friends staying at the same spot, and u wish that they would move on with u, but they wont, what can u do? u can choose to stay out with them, or move on without them. i remember mr teo saying it to me once, "if they cant move on with u, just too bad. u cannot let someone who refuse to move on hold u back in life." they are a form of obstacles. u make friends they come and go. when its time to move on, move on. if they are ur true friends, no amount of distance can tear u apart. this will continue to be my belief....
there are times where u just have to be realistic and not let ur emotions rule.
back to the earlier topic.
not everyone define kind intentions as u do, dont try to control something that isnt within ur control. why bother to explain urself when u know u have a clear conscience? people dont have to elad ur life for u, because u lead urs. why bother about the tongues wagging out there when u know u've done nothing wrong? as long as u are right, that's all that matters. rumours stinks and it can shatter a person. on the other hand, the tough time taht u're going through will make u a stronger person and even more firm on ur stand, more rights towards ur principles. it will also thus, allow room for growth.
on ur part, u meant well for ur friends, yet it served as sarcasm in their opinion. this is only justifiable in ur own ground. expect no understanding, because understanding leads to sympathy. it is a no-no for me. i would appreciate thy's pure understanding, but cannot accept thou's sympathy.
i asked xw something this afternoon, and the response is positive. im reading minds more and more often now. tsktsk. bad bad signs. reading too much into someone's actions and words is not a good sign. i'll appear as a scary and must-be-on-guard character. nOnO, im only 17, this should not happen on me. ALL UR FAULT HUBBY! yes, all ur fault! hahahaS so much for learning not to push the blame to others. LoLs. alrights, whatever.
there are times where ignorance is bliss. treasure that.
i cant forget some things. it's drilled deeply into my head.
and most importantly, what my mother has been telling me,
u dont have to be a friend using ur heart.
many a times, i dont wish to think, dont wish to believe, but with experience that follows, i cannot run away from the deceits in the world. my poor heart has been been hurt too many times, its time to prevent it from being hurt again. if i dont protect myself, who will? but i have to admit that without all the peopleS inflicting all these pain in me day by day, i would never be able to learn to stand on my own 2 feet. without the inevitable partings that everyone has to go through, i would never be able to see see the reality with my own true eyes.
some people just have to learn through the hard way. some people simply refuse to move out of their comfort zone. and some, will just continue to be their innocent, or should i use ignorant selves?
and there will definitely times when i just want to take a break from the world. i've yet learnt to take everything. i'm only learning to handle bits and pieces of it.
enough of all these. its maths tomorrow.
wish me the best of lucks. cos it might keep me secured.
hahaS!
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:00 PM
f r e ak i n g OUT!
tomorrow is maths paper.
yes, im freaking out now. maths is the most crucial paper for me, because it can determine my overall results. the thought of the paper can send adranaline rushing through my body, forcing my heart to thump at an unusual pace. there are many different scenarios in my mind that is threatening me. if i fail this paper, that's it. if i suffer from mental block tomorrow, it'll be a goner for me. i haven been showing the fear taht is in me, because i've been trying my best to surpress it. i do not want the fear to take control, but its all unleashed right at this moment.
im truely afraid of the consequences that i would have to face once i fail my promos.
everything is easier said than done.
put actions into words and u'll realize the pressure and obstacles coming from everywhere.
dear Lord, if praying helps, i'll pray for calmness throughout the paper, not the thinking of passing by praying. let my abilities be shown to the marker with my written work and all i require now is a stable mind.
Dear Lord, if praying helps, please allow me to not break down at this moment.
Dear Lord, if praying helps, please watch over my dear buddies mugging hard for their Os and promos.
Amen.
i will not break down now.
im stronger than i thought.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 10:06 PM
p o n d e r s
sometimes i do wonder, what am i doing all these for? what am i working for? what is it that i want in my life? what do i want my life to be in the future? do i have to go through this stage to get to where i am? is it necessary to take the shortcut?
yes, the society's reality plays a part in one's decision, but is it everything? i know how exactly the society can bring shatter a person's dreams, hopes and faith. and one's desire to live on. its harsh its crude and its the truth. the strong will survive and the weak shall perish.
no matter where i go, i'll be faced with the same problem. its only i face it and come out of a solution, then it'll stop haunting me. its a fact that i cant run away from. a fact. by avoiding the problem, i can only solve it temporary, rather, it should not be known as solve, but cover it up. ultimately, the same problem will surface when im thrown into the same situation. its time to face it, stop hiding like a tortoise. i've done it once, i'll be able to deal with it again. as long as u know u've done ur best, u should not have any regrets. i did not learn my lesson thoroughly, because im letting history repeat itself. i deserve NO sympathy. i need to learn from the hard way too, isnt it? so much for being wiser. im as dumb as before. back to square one, cos i aint moving forward, anymore. my position is stagnant and there is no one to push me forward. despite the truth that i have to face eversince then, i was still so unwilling to be self-disciplined. if i fail this day, i brought the failure upon myself. i shall blame no one, but myself.
i've not failed yet. i still have a chance to aton my wrongs. i have to buck up now.
Let Me Die
Are we at war tonight
Will there be angels whispering to midnight
Don't wake when lightning strikes
My heart for you is true
Let no one take that from you
Time is running tight
Can't change from wrong to right
So I'll close my eyes and dream a little
Just like how we used to be baby
Its time to say farewell
No need to cry of feelings
Oh, It's alright
All in the book of life
Heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go
I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace my sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can change my world from black to white
So I'll close my eyes and dream a little more
Are we at war tonight
Will there be angels whispering to midnight
Don't wake when lightning strikes
Heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go
I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace my sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can give me strength to fight
Till the sky is burning it's the end of time
Look ahead tomorrow long and winding road
Keep the faith of mine don't let it go
You're the only reason night ain't growing cold
What would I do without you
I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace my sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can make my world so bright
Life no longer empty, with you in my heart
In my heart
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:45 AM
Monday, October 04, 2004
s i a n zzzz
im missing U^
as usual.
miss netball trg. esp sneakers.
life is nothing but irony.
a lot of tiems its UR attitude that matters, not the circumstances? take life as a pinch of salt, maybe life will be easier.
dreams are something that can keep u going, obstacles are there to make u strive harder? ha!
sometimes im just tired.
from everything that happens.
everything happened, happens for a reason?
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:17 PM
Sunday, October 03, 2004
e x h a u s t i o n---sinking in.
i stayed at miss siow's place and i believed i did at least 6 hours of maths! oh, anyways, at her place, i finished watching the channel 8 sat & sun show. hahaS! yi tian tu long ji! hahahaS that was during our breaks lahs of cosh! =)) we're very disciplined people. +smirks.
mahts and maths and maths. if by the end of my promos i still fail maths, i'll jump off the building, though i will not die cos im staying at the second level! hahaS! but i dun care! hahaS
i missed U^, even when i was dooing the sums. i dunno why, but i just cant keep my mind off U^. perhaps i did, for the short period of time when i was squeezing every tiny bits of my brain juice for solving, yet after that, u came back to my mind. sighs. this is tricky. i promise i'll let the feeligns go, and i really will..... gimme more time bahs.
we long for love when we dun have it, yet we want it to end, the moment we have it. why is love nothing but an irony? why do i have to start to fall for U^ since i knew right from the start that u^ can never be mine? sighs.
im exhausted. i need a sleep. meeting amal to study tom. hopwfully it'll be as productive as today. i dun have much time left. yes, i really dun feel like getting kicked out! i know im contradicting myself cos one moment i want to leave, another not. gimme a break, i need to grumble too. hahaS!
oh, by the ways, with regards to yesterday's blog, the person i love most is still, and forever it'll be my besty friend ever, the piggy nEo! yesh, U moO! hahaS! i know u know! =Pp
no matter under what circumstances, just remember that i'll be right behind U. a fact, that no one can ever change. yes, nO one. +beams.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:40 PM
Saturday, October 02, 2004
=)) i appreciate it.
u certainly have a good way of making me laugh, non-stop. even though i was feeling so burdened and heavy, the almost an hour of laughters really lifted me from all these weights that were almost suffcating me. hahaS. and i must say, no one , or rather, no other pairs can baet us when we ganged up together. hahaS. even though we hardly meet up nowadays, i could still feel the presence of the bond that we built over the years. in the midst of our bullying sh, yr and xw session, i was indeed impressed by our coorperative abilities without any amount of planning beforehand. hahaS! we're the undefeatable and im superb proud of it. hahaS.
yes, i love U! remember, cos its from the bottom of my heart!
i love u more than anyone else, and i'll certainly die for someone like u, without any doubts. remember that! and yes, i've already said i love u before 2019? hahaS!
wrote a 'note' today. for her^. realized i feel better after writing everything out, cos my thought flowed better than typing. LoLs.i'll let go. certainly. =))
going to mis siow's place tom. sighs. i can suddenly feel so stressed by the thought of promos. i'll flunk it, with any doubts too. sighs.
shall start to look for polyS already.
miracle! i used 12 sms for today! only 12! im amazed. 12, none to her^! yes, none! its time to sleep soon.
++even though the truth hurts, i'm decided to let the feelings fade on its own and i'll not look for U^ anymore. i want a clear 'separation' with U^, so that i wont be torturing myself anymore. however, i cant deny the fact that im taking almost everyone with ur length of hair for U^. im really missing U^, more often taht i realized... i sucks.++
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 11:55 PM
nice song - jie kou
Jie Kou Excuse Zhou Jie Lun
fan zhe wo men de zhao pian / xiang nian ruo yin ruo xian
Flipping through our photographs, thoughts of you are visible yet invisible
qu nian de dong tian / wo men xiao de hen tian
Last year's winter, we smiled very sweetly
kan zhe ni ku qi de lian / dui zhe wo shuo zai jian
Watching your tearstained face, telling me goodbye
lai bu ji ting jian / ni yi zou de hen yuan
I have yet to hear it when you've already walked so far
ye xu ni yi jing fang qi wo / ye xu yi jing hen nan hui tou
Perhaps you have already given up on me, perhaps it is already very difficult to turn back
wo zhi dao shi zi ji cuo guo / qing zai gei wo yi ge li you shuo ni bu ai wo
I know it's all my fault, please give me another reason, say you don't love me
jiu suan shi wo bu dong / neng bu neng yuan liang wo
Even if I don't understand, can you forgive me?
qing bu yao ba fen shou dang zuo ni de qing qiu
Please don't use parting as your favour
wo zhi dao jian chi yao zou / shi ni shou shang de jie kou
I know wanting to go is your wound's excuse
qing ni hui tou / wo hui pei ni yi zhi zou dao zui hou
Can you please turn back, I will accompany you until the very end
jiu suan mei you jie guo / wo ye neng go cheng shou
Even if there is no conclusion, I can still endure
wo zhi dao ni de tong / shi wo gei de cheng nuo
I know your pain is the promise I gave
ni shuo gei guo wo zong rong / chen mo shi yin wei bao rong
You said you gave me tolerance, and silence was because of acceptance
ru guo yao zou / qing ni ji de wo
If you want to go, please remember me
ru guo nan guo / qing ni wang le wo
if you feel sad, please forget me
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 2:46 PM
s h a t t e r e d
my heart really shattered.the truth is too much and too painful for me to take.
i was bearing this lil lil hope until my friend told me, that U're actually attached? sighs. all along i thought u're single. my hopes dashed. and the truth is more than that. sighs. why does it has to be made known to me now? i wish i had never asked... its better to not know what's going on rights? sighs. feel damn depressed now. on the verge of crying, but im holding it all back. i dont want to see myself crying anymore. its not worth it.
i'll focus on my promos from today onwards.
heart broke.
i shall really divert all all all my attention back to U* le bahs. sighs. im such a jerk. thanks for the reassurance. i'll keep it in mind.
fuck. how long haven i scolded tat word? i feel like drinking now. so much. i'll want to get myslf drunk and forget this whole thing. why am i having promos at this time? damn it. i know its good to be straight but im just so upset with the whole damn thing. maybe right from the start i shouldnt have gone close to U^! why did i?! what the hells lahs. and to bear that tiny hope in me! and now it all crashed! i really feel like crying....
do U^ know how much i like U^? yes, i really really really like U^, so damn much! and i dunno why! feel damn hurt. i dun feel like meeting U^ anymore. can i take back my words? sighs. why why why......
everything happens for a reason? +shrugs.
xin tong zhen de bi kuai le gen shen shi...
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:29 AM
Friday, October 01, 2004
b r a i n---d e a d
i just came back from BK, i studied okays! and i missed trg. cos i thought i needed a break, and im getting one, cos im gg out for a movie soon. =)) hahas. ok anyways, my brain is dead now. thanks to my favourite subject, econs! -_-" all time favourite ah!
by the ways, i mistook quite a number of people for U^. even though i wasnt thinking of U^, subconsiously, im taking almost everyone for U^. this isnt healthy. =(( perhaps im really missing U^, more often than i realized.
there's so many thigns i wish to share with U^, but i dont feel like bombarding ur sms. neither would i want to put u off. sighs. so fan. please takecare. and smile always, cos ur smile is more than i can ask for.
i really m i s s you!
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 5:39 PM
+shudder+
everytime u say u love me, i'll feel so guilty. i wish i can say the same to u too, but i can no longer do so. sighs. perhaps we're just drifting apart? im sorry. perhaps the love has come to an end, and i just have to end it here. sighs. i promised i'll try, but i realise its getting tougher and tougher.
i'l still try okays? we have another week. -_-"
do U^ know how often i think of U^ now? practically almost every awaking moment U^'re on my mind. gosh. sometiems i can just feel my heart tearing apart because u aint by my side. if only i could tell u how much i like u now. sighhsss...
treasure whatever i have now? hmm, i'll try. on the other hand, thanks for making me smile. hahas. U^ wont know it, but i did. i smiled heartily. it makes me feel happy. =))
yu jian ni, zhi hou ai shang ni, rang hou hen tou ni, yuan lai ai shi hui bu qu de lu xing.
qin ai de, rang wo wang ji ni....
im gg to fail my promos. yay! great! =))
i'll get kicked out of TJ! hahas. well done.
+_pAnDaR_+ LeT iT gO*
@ 1:51 AM